I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize