She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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