Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He passed out mid-signature
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
