Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im six kinds of drunk right now
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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