I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
