i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
