You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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