i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Green mimosas i think yes
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
