Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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