2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
