Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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