I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
