worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
