Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
