I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
