Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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