I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
