This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
