uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i think i just lost a toe
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
