I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
