im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize