I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
