Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
50% drunk capacity currently
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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