and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
