i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
