I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
4 words: hood of his car
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
