I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
