There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Drake has all the answers
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
