I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
