i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
