More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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