My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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