the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
