I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
