you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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