If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
