people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
