I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
