Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she pinky promised me she was 18
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
