Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
