I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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