she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I love you.
Bad choice
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
