at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
