had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
