there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
