he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All the doctor said was why
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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