Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
