he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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