burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
