Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I believe in your delicious
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
