Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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