It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
