brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
