I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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