I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
