hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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