tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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