I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
