i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
