$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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