Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
